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I made a commitment.

It was a stupid commitment but I stuck to it. Now that I have kind of reached the end of it (please read that as "now that I have decided to pay someone to do it") I am realizing that I should have backed down long ago.

We have always had a tentative vision that once Mat started a business I would take care of his books. I like money, organizing is my jam, and I thought I had a reasonable understanding of what was required. Things that our vision didn't include 1)being almost a year behind before I even started 2)the twins 3) homeschooling Bridget 4)a brain that only functions on the most primitive level due to months (years) of sleep deprivation.

I decided I wouldn't write or work on my things until I had finished the books. The books were my contribution to our family business. Mat has worked hard over the past year and I needed to do my bit. This was also an opportunity for me to feel a bit of a sense of purpose outside my daily tasks.

The moral of the story is I made a significant underestimation of the amount of work I had ahead of me. I also significantly overestimated my ability to do it. Now, am I capable of doing it? Yes. Am I capable of doing it right now? No.

The realization that I actually could not do a good job of this task crushed me. I am good at things. I am good at being good at things. I was supposed to be good at this. This was supposed to come easily to me so I could have a role in Mat's success.

The reality is I am not good at bookkeeping, yet. I will be one day, but that day is not today. It turns out I can write and create while being interrupted by Bridget's school work and babies needing to nurse. I can dream about my future and take steps towards it while I wash dishes and fold laundry. I can't reconcile accounts while I haul Enda out of a mud pit for the third time in two hours. It does not work for me to submit our GST while I wipe noses and mitigate meltdowns. I can't wake up after 3 hours of broken sleep and expect myself to master a challenging task. Most significantly I can't expect myself to take on something so stressful while giving up my source of joy and comfort, writing.

I am not done. In fact, I will not be the one finishing this task. We realized the yucky feelings I was having about my worth and value in our family were not worth the money we were trying to save. After a little bit of asking around I was able to find someone who can get us sorted out for last year and who is willing to work with me over the next several months to get me going on my own.

It is okay that this is not something that I can make happen right now. My heart is with my kids, not in the office. It is okay that I would like the rest of me to be there as well. My value as a member of our family and Mat's business doesn't change because I needed help.

I cannot describe the level of comfort I am finding being back at the keyboard. I also have something that I started working on a while ago that I was hoping to share by now but set it aside. Hopefully it will be ready in the next few weeks!

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